Fun Friday: Rooster Blocked
Yes my “rooster” has four legs. Via dreamlike.art
See what I did there? Rooster blocked? I know, I am so utterly funny. And being that I am so funny, I decided to share these now humorous thoughts (well, humorous to me) with you, the reader in search of entertainment. I guess at this point I should warn you that there are a few things I am going to speak of that some of you, particularly the males, are going to find a bit jarring.
For those of you that follow me on social media, you will note that around the middle of August I posted a not-so-cryptic message about an accident I had.
This accident involved the diabolical intersection of the razor-sharp interlocking knives of the zipper on the front of my trousers with my penis. So yes, absolute laugh riot.
Aftermath
The carnage took place on the side. It hurt. A lot. Like “use every curse word and invent a few new ones” kind of hurt. I had to use gauze (!) because of the bleeding. Sure, a bandaid would have been funnier, especially when it was time to rip it off, but I was not an idiot. Well, not an idiot except for the part where I managed to scrape my schlong while putting it away after a piss. The worse of it was the first couple of days and I was taking ibuprofen at night as it hurt enough to delay falling asleep, but ever so slowly it got better.
Every morning my small chiweenie dog Dahlia and I go to Starbucks - I get tea and she gets a pup cup. Normally she mainly sits on my leg next to my window and looks out, but once we pull into that parking lot, she starts running back and forth between the driver side window and the passenger seat. On somewhat rare occasions she will unintentionally step on something vital, but as luck would have it that happened a couple of times. Ouch.
As she’s part dachshund she likes to burrow when sleeping, so more often than not she burrows under the covers at bedtime, and comes and goes between under the covers and under the bed a couple of times throughout the night. Now this has never happened before, but she had burrowed under while I was sound asleep, got closer than normal, and apparently jerked in her sleep and a hind claw caught me in the nether region. This was about 4am, and I was pretty much awake for the rest of the night.
Movement, the act of walking around, especially walking Dahlia twice a day, was not pleasant either. Guys already know things naturally tend to rub around down there from regular activity, but even though I might be fairly careful all day after the morning dog walk, the evening walk I’d sometimes forget and have some type of mishap and BAM instant pain.
Doctor Visit
I was healing albeit slower than I’d prefer, so last week I made an appointment with a urologist. My old urologist retired from seeing patients (moved up into management) so this was a new guy. The appointment was last Wednesday, and as the healing process continued over the weekend without any further dog-induced complications, I almost canceled the appointment the day before, but there was still discomfort and I had plenty of questions, so I went ahead a kept the appointment. This is where it got weird.
Now it was weird and embarrassing enough to call up and give the reason I needed to see a doctor. But the conversation with the PA (Physician’s Assistant) was dreadful. His normal PA was either out of the office or elsewhere (this organization has several dozen urologists and a ton of support staff, a huge office), so this PA was apparently not 100% familiar with why I was there. The doctor, we’ll call him Andrew, specialized in surgery (ouch) and erectile dysfunction. So this PA assumed I was there for ED.
I thought the boner questions were odd in this circumstance, and she had a lot of them. I finally asked if she was going to ask about my injury which she was not aware of, and after she said “you’re not here for ED?” I explained my injury to her. Now I am not trying to sound sexist or anything, but for a guy to talk about his winkie in detail to a female he has just met - alone in a room with the door shut - is just not common and certainly weird. The part that somehow made this worse was that she was attractive. I don’t know why, mentally I cannot explain it, but somehow this did make it worse for some reason.
After I explained my injury she said almost to herself while taking notes, “so no ED.” Now my brain is wired to see humor in things and say something funny, and without thinking I replied with something along the lines of “don’t be shocked, despite my appearance I am not here for ED” and I chuckled. She looked at me sharply and her face seemed to reflect the thought “WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?” ever so briefly, so I turned deep red and said “I’m sorry this whole thing is weird and I’m just trying to get through it.” She gave a quick eye roll, slight head tilt, pursed lips, and a muttered “okay…” ended the uncomfortable discussion. Jesus christ I am an idiot.
Andrew came in, introduced himself, and was quite cool and down to business. However there were a few odd parts to that interaction as well. I got the usual questions about urine frequently and boners and all the usual stuff urologists ask about, and then we discussed the injury. I specifically told him I nearly canceled the appointment because I knew I was healing, but I’d prefer a much quicker healing process if possible.
As he continued talking he started reaching for the plastic gloves, so I knew what was coming next. I don’t remember a word of what he was saying during those first few glove moments, as I was filled with dread.
The exam was painful, mainly physically. He said the healing was actually further along that what he expected (good) considering the scarring (yes I said scarring) but proceeded to squeeze, pull, and prod in ways I did not know things could be squeezed, pulled, and prodded. Questions were asked along the way about pain and a few other things I cannot remember although I did answer everything. Fortunately this exam part of the appointment didn’t last long.
Random Weirdness
A few items of note. As I was lowering my trousers, he noticed the brand of underwear I was wearing and said “Oh, ExOfficio! Excellent!” Apparently he not only was a fellow ExOfficio wearer, but pointed out their breathable wicking qualities would definitely help speed up the healing process. No, we didn’t high five or anything, just approval from a professional dick doctor.
He had noticed the trousers I was wearing, and said “it could have been worse if you’d been wearing Levis with that gold zipper of theirs.” He also asked with a chuckle “Have you considered button fly?” Good to know.
After I was dressed we talked about the healing bit and why it hurt seemingly on the inside as well. He pointed out that I was favoring trying to prevent the hurt part from getting rubbed with movement, and so there was more rubbing in other areas, plus the swelling from the injury exaggerated this in other areas around my dick anyway. Made sense. He then went on that the skin of the penis and the internal part of the penis are quite separate with different nerve paths and even different blood supplies. I actually found this fascinating, and proceeded to ask more about this. Remember as a surgeon who specialized in dickery, he now gets to talk shop, and he did so.
According to Andrew, a technique commonly used when extensive surgery is needed under the outer skin of a penis, is to slice the skin most of the length of the bottom side of the shaft and around the base and REMOVE THE SKIN almost completely. He can do his work unencumbered quite quickly, and when done put the skin back in place and stitch everything up. He said that overall everything heals quicker. To help further induce nightmares amongst the male readers of this blog post, as he described this he was using hand gestures to show some of these actions. I did find this fascinating, but I did grimace, and here it is two days later and I’ve thought about this. A lot. Fucking hell what a weird thing to hear.
Outcome
Get it? Outcome? Holy shit I am hilarious. Anyway, I’ve saved the best (worse) for last. When I asked Andrew how long it would take before I was going to be completely healed he said it would be quick. “Two months.” Anyway so I will be experiencing minor discomfort for the next TWO FUCKING MONTHS, and even though I am healing quicker than expected it is going to be a while before I am back to normal.
