2019 Predictions for Geeks
Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash
I’ve been reading all of these boring 2019 predictions by security websites and tech publications, and I am not going to link to a single one of them even as an example of the bad ones. I refuse to increase their ad impressions. The predictions are too lame, they rely on quotes from press releases made by tech companies about their 2019 plans, or they are derived from headlines over the past week or so to make them seem timely.
Instead I am going to make a series of predictions that tech geeks wish would come true rather than those sad and predictable predictions of the mainstream websites. I am not saying they will actually happen, but this is what I think techies hope for.
A relative will ask a technical question about their computer or phone over the holidays, and the answer provided is not only completely understood, but no more questions are needed to be asked.
Friends will stop asking tech nerds how to access the private communications of an ex, and, in fact, realize that virtually all of their “scenarios” have another name - felony.
That friend who got into Bitcoin ages ago will stop recommending Bitcoin investments to everyone they know. We get it, Carl, you’re smart, and we’re not.
Once - just once - Aunt Meg asks me to fix her virus-laden computer, and I am able to fix it by dancing around her computer naked while swinging a dead chicken. That’s right, Aunt Meg, I dare you to ask me for help again. Ok, maybe just me, but damn…
The Singularity happens, and the new AI intelligence doesn’t self-delete in horror when it discovers that there is no IQ test before allowing humans onto the Internet.
Elon Musk 2.0 has all of his bugs fixed, and his new programming allows him to act like a normal human being. Someone shows him to Mark Zuckerberg and says “See? It’s possible.”
Social media algorithms are updated so that we take in others’ viewpoints on social issues, leading to better understanding and a saner world.
The next big gift item is an IoT device that allows for stabbing someone over the Internet. It has the same security as any other IoT device. The only people that receive them and hook them up to their computer happen to run companies that sell shitty IoT devices.
Every person crossing a street into traffic while staring at their phone is run over by a driverless electric car. The police officer investigating each scene determines that there is no fault, and, in fact, deems each accident “a fair and sound judgement by God”.
So there you have it, my 2019 wishes, er uhm, predictions. Do you have a special prediction for 2019? Let me know!
